My Thoughts on Aging

I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately, and it always surprises me how much better I feel after writing. It’s exactly the reason I started this blog in the first place—to see my thoughts written out in a somewhat coherent way is cathartic for me. And yet, I forget how good it feels every time. My journal, (which is a little less sarcastic and has a whole lot more feelings), doesn’t require drafts or editing (except when I’m redacting my high school years for posterity’s sake), so it doesn’t have the same therapeutic effect. Believe me, if you think my blog is erratic and tangential, you should read my journal. It sounds like it’s written by 7 different people.

            So, it finally happened to me. Back in January, I turned 25. I’ve been in denial ever since. I had to rent a car the other day, and my hands started sweating when I realized I could put my own information in and not my 30-year-old sugar daddy’s info (Billy). And you know how when you subscribe to a website, they ask what age range you’re in? I’m not even in the first age category anymore. Rest in peace, 18-24.

I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but it has really thrown me into a panic.  I threw out all of my beauty products and stocked up on anything and everything with retinol in it. I’m pretty sure I have retinol in my deodorant. I’m also toying with the idea of getting preventative Botox. A few years ago, my sister-in-law was getting certified to give facial injections of the miracle drug and offered to practice on me for free as part of her training. I completely trusted her, but I declined because I didn’t feel like I was “that kind of girl”. At the time, it seemed hypocritical to get Botox since I’ve always identified as a tomboy and didn’t obsess about top of the line makeup or expensive clothes. I always try to look good, but Target suits me just fine. But on the day I turned 25, I woke up seriously regretting my anti-chemical/surgery stance. Give me all the Botox.

I know you’re probably supposed to worry about your health your whole life, but I missed that memo. Everyone warned me, “Tanning will make you look like Yzma from the Emperor’s New Groove” or “Diet Coke is how they administer chemotherapy orally”. I’ll blame it on my brain not being fully developed until 25 (the only positive of this ghastly age, although it’s not that positive because I can’t blame my ineptitude on my brain anymore), but when people would tell me these things, I would wave it off. That stuff happens to old people. I think I even used to say, “I’d rather look good while I’m young and have skin cancer when I’m older than be pale”. *Gritted-teeth emoji* That’s just the narcissistic version of YOLO, right? My parents really should have given me a good slap every now and then. But now that I’m 25, I’m scared as hell. I’m positive that I’ll pay for my recklessness and disregard for my health pretty soon, so I’m trying to reverse all the damage I’ve already done*. I’ve even started another stint of working out and eating clean. I’m hoping this time it will stick, because Billy and I both feel like we would be the first to go in a zombie apocalypse because of our sitting-at-a-desk-all-day muscles. Or lack thereof. 

I’m in the worst shape that I’ve ever been in. I tried to hike a mountain with a bunch of the wives down here. I think it’s a 4-mile round trip hike (that’s probably being generous) and I gave up. There were 3 girls with 6-month olds strapped to their chests that did the whole thing. Mind you, the hike was pretty steep, I hadn’t worked out for 2 months for medical reasons and we were going at a very fast pace--I’m more of a hike 2 minutes, rest for 10 kind of girl. But I can’t get over the fact that I actually quit. I’m 25 years old and if I had to run up that mountain to avoid a tsunami, I would die. My ancestors and Charles Darwin would be ashamed. (Just so you don't think I've entirely let myself go, mangoes are back in season and it's all I eat now. My colon is very happy!)

Going to town on a mango. This is why no one ever wanted a second date with me.

I guarantee you I will not live until I’m 100, so I’m more than ¼ of the way through my life. Which is beyond scary. When I got married at 3 weeks shy of 21(yes, that means 20), I figured I might as well start popping out children before I turn 26. Why 26, you ask? It is the magical age that Obama designated when I get booted off my parents’ health insurance. The goal was to have at least 2 kiddos by now so I could get my parents’ money’s worth of prenatal and maternity care. However, my fallopian tubes have quite the sense of humor.  Since I’ll definitely be 26 and childless, I’m back to being a student again while fighting off wrinkles, sun damage, and obesity. Did I mention I live on a Caribbean island where the sun is always shining, and it’s too hot to run outside? Every outside yoga class is Bikram whether you want it to be or not. Even swimming laps in the ocean (water temperature is an average of 80.6º F) could give you heatstroke. So, these self-improvement plans might also be on hold until we’re back in the states. But I always feel better knowing that Billy is turning 30 next year. Because if I think 25 is bad, I know 30 is going to be miserable. I feel so lucky to have Billy and his receding hairline to put things into perspective.

*I wrote this post yesterday, and then today, I played beach volleyball and went swimming. And got super burnt in the process (pictured below). So, probably don't ever listen to anything I ever say. I'm not to be trusted. BUT NOTICE THE FOREHEAD WRINKLES!!!!

            

How to Gain 15 Pounds in 48 Days

I feel like I should apologize for my brief blogging sabbatical, but since I’m the only person who probably noticed, I’m not going to apologize. Instead, I’ll bore you with the minute-by-minute details of the last 2 months.

Billy and I just enjoyed a month-long break for Christmas. Well, mine was more like 2 months. And I don’t know if you can call any vacation time I take a “break”, because I don’t really do anything to take a break from. A break from hang-drying my laundry, I suppose? Anyway, it was fabulous for so many reasons, which I will proceed to list here.

1.     For obvious reasons, we finally were able to hang out...with each other! As I’ve said before, this was the only time in our lives where neither of us had to work or study. We’ve taken plenty of vacations (as our friends like to make us feel guilty about) but always in the back of our mind is the impending doom of getting back to work or cramming for the next test.  Since Billy was in-between terms, he really had nothing to study. Although, I still caught him looking at various anatomy charts—is that normal?

2.     I was able to spend 2 weeks in Virginia, sans Billy, and then meet Billy for our month in Utah. This translates to—AMERICA! The land of the free and Target. The home of the brave and the Quesarito (I know Mexicans didn’t come up with that, Taco Bell, but whoever did, I thank you from the bottom of my heart).

3.     Nieces and nephews. If you follow me on Instagram, then you already know that I have the coolest nieces and nephews alive. While FaceTiming Billy one night, he asked me who was my favorite niece or nephew on my side. Yes, we pick favorites; don’t act like you don’t do it too. I tend to prefer the ages of 2-4, when they can talk and have their own little personalities. I don’t really know what to do with newborns, I usually get in trouble for poking them to try and wake them up so they’ll play with me. And then when they hit 5, I feel like they get smarter than me and my ego can’t take that kind of embarrassment.  But when Billy asked me that question, I really couldn’t tell him. They’ve all become their own little people who are all so important to me. I think through all of them and I just smile: Sawyer (9) will just tell you like it is—like how when I gave him his Christmas present (a Rastafarian hat, complete with braids), he said “Are you just kidding?” Auntie fail right there; Caroline (9) can’t turn her brain off and it’s so fun to talk to her and see her insights into the meaning of life. That girl has got some depth; Mary Grace (6) has the biggest heart and is so empathic, it makes me want to be a kinder person. And just give her a big hug every time I see her; Emery (3) is a wild child with more spunk and passion than most 19-year olds have. She’ll either be the future president or the next cast-member on Jackass; Henry (2) has SO much energy and it’s my favorite thing in the world to make him laugh; Hadley (2) is such a curious little girl and loves to tell me what to do and dance to Taylor Swift with me (she's made it clear, I'm not allowed to sing); Sadie (1) is a pterodactyl baby, who is an expert growler and smiles ALL DAY LONG. And those dimples...I die. My sisters have raised these cute little kids who are their own people and it’s just so much fun for me to get to know them. I’m so lucky I get to be their Aunt Tor Tor.

4.     I was able to go see my 89-year old grandmother on my first visit to Virginia, and then she passed away a few weeks later and I was able to come to her memorial service. It was very sad, and especially hard to see my dad upset. But I’m so happy that she is reunited with my Granddad and I was able to see her one last time. Such a little miracle for me. And the silver lining to funerals is that it’s a time when family all gets together.

5.     I got really homesick for Grenada. 90% of my homesickness came from the fact that I couldn’t ever get warm. Virginia and Utah feel like home, of course, because our family is there. But then, said family goes to work and you don’t have anything to do, and you feel a little worthless and wonder why everyone can’t play with you all day, so you eat your feelings, which makes you feel better, because AMERICA, so you keep eating. We gradually got fatter and mort pasty white every day we stayed there. So, I was also pretty eager to get home and stop eating! It was very apparent to us that we were just visiting as we saw everyone else’s lives going on without us. Grenada is our home now, and that was an important realization to make. I don’t think I would have discovered that unless we left for Christmas break because I’m the type of person that needs something shoved in my face before I make connections.

6.     Speaking of having stuff shoved in my face, (that’s what she said)—over Christmas we were so spoiled and got so much STUFF. And now that we are back, I realize how much I don’t need ANY of it. I’m quite annoyed at myself. Yet again, I brought way too many clothes back. But I only got 2 new swimsuits, which is progress for me. Down here, I’m known as the girl who has 30 swimsuits. And that’s only if I’m matching them—I rarely have the same color top and bottom on. I figure, some girls have a shoe problem, my problem is swimsuits. Doesn’t matter if it’s Mossimo or Michael Kors. (Okay, I only have one Michael Kors and the rest are Mossimo.  I’ll stop acting like I’m rich or something).

Now that we are home, my favorite purchases by far are our HydroFlask insulated water bottles. You guys, I don’t even understand how they work, but they are MIRACULOUS! Billy and I keep testing them to make sure the water hasn’t gotten warm yet and they are always ice cold. We went to the beach the other day and had left the bottle out in the sun. I couldn’t even pick it up, because the outside was so boiling hot. Billy braved the first drink, and the water was still as cold as if he had pulled it out of the fridge! Technology, man.

7.     It took me almost a week, but I finally got adjusted to driving on the right hand side of the road. And now that I’m back in Grenada, I’m all messed up again. They really should not be letting me drive in either country.

8. We were able to go skiing (remind me never to go to Snowbird again--way too steep for these weakling legs); swim at the Homestead Crater; go ice skating after we realized the Midway Ice Castles weren't open till January--my bad, guys!; stay a night at the Little America; do a live session at the SLC temple (first for Billy); see the temple lights with almost the whole family; go down to St. George were it was a balmy 42 degrees (Billy still went golfing, but I need at least 70 degree weather to golf); watch a lot of movies; see the aerials at Deer Valley; go to Cafe Rio 5 times; and play a whole lot of 8 Ball Pool on our phones.

Can I get something off my chest now? It’s really been bothering me. What is the deal with the fountain drinks that all come out of one nozzle? It makes my drinks disgusting! They are taking over America and no one seems to be upset about it! You guys don’t understand how hard it is to go without fountain drinks and then come to the first gas station I see once I’m in America, and then my Diet Coke is poopy. I may have gotten low-maintenance about a lot of things in Grenada, but when I step off that plane and go through customs, I expect to have a perfectly concocted Diet Coke. And I don’t think that’s too much to ask, America.  

Overall, it was a successful break, and we are both 15 pounds heavier and settling in to second term quite nicely.

Do you KFC? Billy sure does.

Being apart blows, but it makes for some good Ambien photos! 

Emery and Hadley. They both kept saying "It's showtime!" 

Hadley girl after hiding from me behind the cushions. Not to be mean, but she doesn't pick the best hiding spots.

"Tor tor, you're my best friend." 

With my beautiful Gee-gee.

The Griffith and Morris Family

Not in the mood for selfies, I guess.

Billy went to the beach with some friends and got to hold a sea turtle. I cried real tears when he told me that night. I love turtles.

Celebrating my birthday with my Grandy. Hopefully our children get his tall genes.

Spent 24/7 with this gal and it still wasn't long enough.

Sweet little Marlee girl. 

Just your typical morning with Asher.

AMERICA. 

Motley crew. 

Jet loved ice-skating. I would too if a cute girl would carry me the whole time.

Blades of Glory

See that form? 

Snow!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

It's Go Time

The dreams have started. The ones where we show up to Grenada and our apartment isn't ready and we forgot to bring all of our luggage with us. My heart is going off like a machine gun just thinking about it. It would seem that my biggest fear is being unprepared. And I wasn't even a Girl Scout! Or is that only Boy Scouts that are prepared? I really do love Girl Scout cookies though. 

Regardless, I am a nervous wreck over moving to a different country. Not that I’m pooping my pants out of terror (although there is a little bit of that going on), I just find myself making so many lists of what needs to be packed/stored/donated and as soon as I cross something off, 2 more items pop up in its place. This was supposed to be simple when we limited ourselves to 6 suitcases. Instead, I wake up screaming and sweating and wondering whether we should bring our golf clubs or not. I mean, I realize that these are the decisions that make the world go round, but it’s a little excessive.  And then I get too overwhelmed and just end up going to the pool. You see my dilemma? I worry and stress and worry and can’t handle the worry, so I go have fun and then I have more to worry about.

The good news is, we sold both of our cars. The bad news is, we no longer have any cars. Billy’s parents have graciously allowed us to use their truck until we move, so it really has worked out fine. Except when I try to park the truck in the Vivint parking lot.

I think that I’m probably worrying about all these tiny little details so that I get distracted from the real problem (are you surprised? I’m a psych major, dude). We are going to miss our family and friends so damn much. 2 years is a really long time. 2 years ago, I was listening to Taylor Switft’s “22” on repeat and trying to relate, although I didn't have that much in common with it because I got married at 20, and so the song was more appropriately tied to when I was 17-19.  But, I digress. 

We had a taste of how our lives will be over the 4^th. None of our family was in town and we failed to plan our camping trip in time, so it was just the two of us at home. We went hiking up Rock Canyon and then realized that it was 99°and we are golfers--not hikers, so we went home and took a rather peaceful nap. We watched fireworks with some friends up in the foothills, which was amazing because aerial fireworks are now legal in Utah. And so, we were able to watch hundreds of firework shows all throughout the valley at once. I’m not just saying this because I work at Vivint, but Todd Pedersen’s fireworks smoked Carrie Underwood’s. No pun intended. It was a wonderful 4th, but just a little odd because I associate holidays with lots of family and golf and kids running around and trying to take a nap but it’s too noisy, so you’re pissed off, but it’s all wonderful because it’s your family! I guess we will have to get used to the quiet in this new phase of life.

Life is new and grand  and messy and loco and we'll be ready for it with our without our luggage. And here are some pictures from our 4th of July--sorry they are mostly selfies, remember how we were abandoned? 

Too hot to smile normally. We hid in a cave to try and scare people...but no one came by.

He just couldn't wait.

Diggin' the fireworks, while listening to "Firework". Thanks Katy.

Oh and some shots of our 15 minutes of fame. Or 2.7 seconds on TV. Our friend Bruce Pitcher was on ABC's show Extreme Weight Loss. He lost 201 pounds and dealt with some really crappy stuff that happened to him as a child. Watch his episode if you get a chance--truly inspirational. My only regret is that they caught my insanely huge mouth at its largest. Embarrassing.

Water for Days

I QUIT DRINKING DIET COKE! That delicious, brown milk of the gods. I have tried many a time to abstain and failed miserably. I just love it so much. In previous moments of ambition, I would quit drinking it for a couple days and then the headaches would come. Oh, the headaches! During my headaches, I would consider taking a syringe full of it and injecting it straight into my brain. Those were actual fantasies of mine. How sick is that? I bet meth addicts haven’t even thought like that.

I don’t know what came over me and why this time, my resolve actually stuck. Maybe it’s from the article I read that revealed Diet Coke could make you gain weight. I knew soda would do that, but not Diet Coke. It has no calories! And then it all made sense—I’m not getting my bikini body back because of my addiction! It has nothing to do with my late night ice cream runs (Billy and I had 3 last week) or my lack of exercise. It was all to be blamed on the Diet Coke. I felt so betrayed. It was supposed to be keeping me skinny and energized and pretty. The bastard! (sorry—too much Game of Thrones).

If you are looking to quit the heavenly fizz, here is advice from a recovering Diet Coke-aholic and wife of a future doctor (no doctors were actually consulted):

1. If at all possible, the best time to quit is when you have a sore throat or when you are sick. You only want to drink water because the soda burns your throat, so you can go up to 3 or 4 days without it and you’re that much farther along to recovery. And if you have headaches you get them confused with how shitty you already feel, so it just works out. Please don’t purposely try to get a sore throat though, that would be stupid.

2. If you can’t manage to get sick quickly enough, then buy some caffeine pills to help those blessed little headaches. Then start weaning off of them by taking less and less and cutting out the pills altogether.

3. Try and quit during the week, so you don’t get bored and start fantasizing about it. Unless you work at Vivint, where the free soda flows—then you’re just screwed.

4. When going out to eat, choose places that only serve Pepsi. That way, when you are tempted to get a Diet Coke and you try to order one, they’ll say “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” and you’ll throw up in your mouth imagining what Pepsi tastes like. And then you’ll be sick so you can go back to suggestion #1.

5. If you've been a long time (a week or so) without a Diet Coke, feel free to reward yourself with one. It’s better than going out and getting a Gotta Have It Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip from Cold Stone. It can be a good treat every once in a while after you've broken the addiction.