Real Housewives of Grenada

I feel like I need to make a formal apology. I always knew that being a housewife was hard work and I’ve always respected the hell out of those mothers that are juggling kids and housework and social lives and personal hygiene. But maybe I just couldn’t relate? Or a small part of me was elevating myself above them because they should just be grateful they can have children and I work full time so I’m actually paying bills? Whatever my subconscious thinks, I’m a real brat when it gets down to it. That’s the 3-year old part of me that has never fully grown up and I apologize for that as well.

When people asked me what I would do with my time while we were in Grenada, I always thought “Good question. What am I gonna do?” I’ve been either working, in school, or both since I was 18. Well, technically since I was 5, but we all know a monkey could pass K-12, especially in Utah.  I can’t legally work on the island because they reserve jobs for the locals unless you have some very specific skill set that others don’t. So a Psychology degree doesn’t really count here. Or anywhere for that matter.

This whole tangent is to shed light on the fact that I have been so busy and I had no idea that not having a job could be this much work! Okay, a lot of it is not technically work. But I have this whole new social life with the other med school wives, it’s kind of amazing. I have yoga class Mondays, Wednesdays, and Friday nights. Pool days are on Mondays and Thursdays. Bachelor in Paradise Monday nights. I just barely caught myself saying to Billy “I can’t meet up with the scooter guy tomorrow, 'cause I have Bachelor.” I can’t believe what I’m turning into.

Bingo night is Wednesday, and the Farmer’s market is that morning. And then I have to factor in when I’m going grocery shopping (which can take up a whole afternoon if I’m not careful, plus I have to plan it around the fact that the store gets in new shipments on Thursdays, so good luck finding any milk on a Wednesday). Laundry gets tricky because it can’t be on a rainy day because I have to line dry it or else it smells like BO. I also factor in how much time I need to make dinner, do my daily sweeping of the house (living by the beach is dirty!), explore every inch of Grenada, all while trying to schedule my life around Billy’s free time. Oh and I can’t forget the ceaseless F-bombing the ants as I spray them away from my kitchen. Just kidding, I only say the F word when I’m golfing. 

I also try to devour as many mangoes as I can in one day. Am I the last person on this earth to discover mangoes? I’m obsessed! Anyway, I had no idea how productive/exhausted I could feel just keeping a household for two running! So, I sincerely apologize to everyone that “stays at home”, because I have been subconsciously judging you when I had no idea what it was like. It was ill founded and you are now my heroes. And now I’ll shutup, because I just realized that I wrote a whole blog post about my weekly schedule and that can’t possibly be interesting to anyone else, even my mother. So here are some pictures!

 

At the SGU White Coat Ceremony. Can I keep him?

Obligatory "we dressed up" selfie

 

You can't really see, but our friends gave a local boy a ride up the hill and there was no room in the car, so he hopped on the back hood. Grenada, man.

Grand Anse Farmer's Market. Mangoes and avocadoes and eggplant, oh my! 

Luckily, I made friends with a starfish whisperer and I always happen to be with her when she finds them. My second so far!

And I really wanted to make friends with this kid. He was just floatin' in a life jacket 5 sizes too big, pondering the mysteries of the world.

I was one number away from winning a dinghy. Earlier, I was one number away from winning 4 pigs, but I wasn't too upset about that one.

I've Recently Had Some Free Time Open Up...

We’ve been on the island for almost three weeks! Our second and third weeks weren’t as romantic and dreamy as our first week. For one thing, Billy had to get registered and attend orientation and then start classes this past Monday (bleh). So, that really cut into our beach time. Let us take a moment of silence for those long-gone worry-free days.

 

The University's pool is right on the ocean. Just picture me here every day.

We finally received our loans (hallelujah) and then realized how much money we actually have to live on (Lord have mercy). We went from having a comfortable lifestyle to debating over whether we really need the bigger jug of vegetable oil—a difference of 3 whole dollars!  We were so spoiled, we never even budgeted our money. It always just seemed to work out for us. We’d go on a trip and spend a little too much, and so we’d cut back a little the next month and all would be well. Now, I get physically ill over spending $20 on something. Because once the money runs out—that’s it. Life is getting more real for us, and I’m kind of embarrassed that it’s taken us this long.

Oh and I got robbed for the first time! So, there's that. I bought an ice cream cone to break a $100 bill and also because I love ice cream, and the man proceeded to give me $11.50 in change. I reminded him that I gave him an $100 but he said no, you gave me a $20. He didn't even bother to double check. And he wasn't making eye contact. So, it got a little heated, and I tried to guilt him into telling the truth while I started crying because I was so sick that I wasn't in America where they don't take advantage of me unless I'm at the mechanic. Or at least when they do take advantage, they do it in a way where you won't notice. This was my first time venturing out on my own as Billy had started classes. And I felt like such a numb nuts that I had lost $100 (which is how much we're budgeted for each week of survival). And then I felt a little better after I ate my $92.50 ice cream cone. And then I remembered that it's not $93 US dollars, it's $93 EC (or eastern caribbean dollars) which totals up to about $35 in USD. Which still made me a little sick (remember how we're broke?) but also made me feel bad for the kid that he would go to all that trouble just to steal $35. Because, me being my father's daughter, I got security guards involved. Kind of dramatic. Now, everyone can get me in the Never, Have I Ever game by saying "Never have I ever paid $37 for an ice cream cone." 

We have also been looking for a car to buy. The problem is that it’s so expensive to ship cars over—you might as well just buy one over here. And the problem with buying one on the island is that all the cars just keep getting recycled through students over and over and over again. So, they are all shot to hell. I didn’t think I was high maintenance about cars, but boy was I wrong.  Who would have thought my biggest concerns in a car would go from worrying about the right color or if it had an auxiliary cord to whether the windows roll up and down or if the odometer works? And then we did some more budgeting and realized that we probably can’t afford a car, so…scooter it is.

Waiting for the bus to take us to church

Alright, enough whining about money. I still don’t really believe that we’re allowed to be handed money just for going to school. Is it some kind of trick? You’re telling me that even though I’m retired, I can still pay for things? And Billy gets to go every day to learn about stuff that he LOVES. Last night, he was showing me where he would do an epidural on me. On day 4 of med school! I wasn't sure whether to be happy that he was applying his knowledge or concerned that he was picturing doing it to me. Regardless, we live in such a fortunate time where loans and grants are easily obtained so that we can do what we have always wanted to. I know I won’t be feeling so grateful once we’re done and have to start paying them back…but for now, the idea is working for me, even if we did underestimate how much we needed.

We’ve made some friends here on the island. They have been oh-so-generous with giving us rides and inviting us to do fun things. We are probably more social here than we were in the States! Most of them have been here since last year, and so they probably hate us already with all of our mind-numbing questions about med school/loans/Grenada/etc. They have seriously been the best. But we are meeting more of the people in Billy’s term as they continue to show up on the island. A lot of them are in our branch, which we finally dragged our butts to two weeks ago. I was blown away by what an awesome group of people we have in our branch. Not only the students and their families—but also the locals! The church is relatively young here—the first missionaries came in 1985, so everyone is a convert. But, some of our friends said that even since they came last year, there has been so much growth. I am so pumped to learn from their faith and dedication.

We went to a new beach our first Saturday called La Sagesse. It has the best waves in Grenada. Still not surfing size, but we rented some boogie boards and kayaks and had a grand old time. We also were introduced to sand flies. You can’t feel them biting you, but all of a sudden, you notice that you are covered in hundreds of red polka dots. And then for the next week, you are making yourself bleed from scratching and clawing just to get some relief. I don’t even know how to describe how freaking good it feels to scratch those bites. I could try, but it might sound a little perverted—that’s how good it feels. Sand fly bites are 1,000,000,000 worse than mosquito bites. I’d take 100 mosquito bites over 2 sand fly bites any day of the week. Notice the perma-scratch marks in all of these photos.

We have found some yummy places to eat here, thanks to our new friends. But, there’s really not a huge foodie culture over here. I was disappointed that there isn’t more seafood. I could live off of seafood, and you can get it here, but it’s not very cheap. I’m thinking of opening a fish taco stand. It’s been a little hard because I’m the type of person that all of a sudden craves something really badly, and then I go and get it. I’m like those kids in the study with the marshmallows where they had to wait for 2 minutes to eat the marshmallow in front of them and then they’d get 2 marshmallows if they wait the full 2 minutes. I’d pop the whole thing in my mouth as soon as the timer started. For example, we finally got our Netflix figured out (thank you www.unblock-us.com) and we wanted to watch the Chipotle documentary, but I couldn’t even look at the Chipotle logo or else I was jonesing for a chicken burrito with guac. It hurt my heart. And it’s especially bad because I won’t be able to have one for 4 more months. 

We have not one, but two KFC’s on the island. Is that kind of racist? I haven’t decided yet. All I know is, I’m addicted to their mac and cheese. So, judge me. But I would easily trade one of them KFC’s for a McDonald’s. Anyway, I’m sure you’re all fascinated by my fast food addiction(s). But the point of all this was to tell you how Billy and I have already shed a few pounds. We realized that we haven’t been stuffed since we’ve been here. This from the man who EVERY night after dinner says “I’m never eating again”. And his wife isn’t much better on that front. So, since the food’s not that great, we’ve been normal people and only eating until we’re satisfied. It’s trippy. But great for our figures! Until we realized that we hadn’t stuffed our faces in a while and so cooked up a batch of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls at 10 PM and polished it off. We each ate 4. And we weren’t even high. The next night, we did the same thing with chocolate chip cookies. 

We attended Grenadian Carnival last week. They all take the day off for 2 days, which is rather problematic for two people trying to get situated, as everything was closed. We participated by going up to the capital city and strolling the streets, listening to local music, eating local food, and watching all the craziness that ensued. Our bus got searched for weapons before entering the city. What they do is basically have a rave walk from Grand Anse to St. George's harbor (3.5 miles). They all have glow sticks and have extravagant costumes, it was crazy to watch.

Pretty sure everyone in Grenada was there. And their dogs.

The rave walk from afar. Billy wouldn't let me go get my rave on. ;P

Billy with a local friend from the branch--Rimble.

The harbor is amazing at night. And day.

Our bus (more like vans) on the way there fit 19 passengers. And the driver. So bloody hot.

Oh and I wanted to show everyone our decked out new cell phones—don’t they remind you of middle school? Or your cooler middle school friends since I didn’t get a cell phone till I was 16? I have been having the hardest time texting on these bad boys. That predictive smart text is not really all that smart. But on the bright side, the batteries last like 4 days long!

I know you all were just dying to hear all the nitty gritty details of my life. So, you're welcome. And, as always, the offer for visitors to stay in our guest room is wide, wide open.

PS: this is the view from SGU's campus. Sorry, UVU, you put up a good fight.

Home, Sweet Home

I don’t think I can call myself a local yet. I haven’t even pooped while on the island, which means my body thinks it’s in vacation mode. Hopefully my bowels catch up with my brain at some point.

Moving to Grenada has been a whirlwind. Aside from the actual preparation to move to a foreign country, the plane rides were awful. I threw up on the airplane. Like all over myself. Luckily all I had eaten was a banana, so it just looked like baby spit-up. But it was still possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced. I was sitting by the window and Billy was on the opposite row on the window seat so he had no idea. I had to politely ask the woman and her teenage boy sitting next to me whether I could please get out, because as you can see (and hopefully not smell), I have vomit all over my jacket.  I went to the bathroom and rinsed off my jacket (my whole outfit was black, so the white spit-up contrasted quite nicely).

Another positive to this story is that I was so drugged on Ambien that I don’t think I even had the self-awareness to be properly embarrassed.  I got back to my seat and tried to sleep some more. Our first leg arrived at JFK at 7 AM—hence the need for an Ambien or two. Then, we hit some turbulence and I proceeded to throw up again. This time, a flight attendant had given me 2 barf bags, so it was much more hygienic. Those poor people sitting next to me. And the poor people reading this post—I’ve already mentioned 2 different bodily fluids and I’m not even done yet.

Anyway, I was ecstatic to finally land in our new home. We were picked up at the airport and taken to the grocery store to get a transformer (all the outlets in our apartment are 220v and all our electronics are 110v). Who do we think we are—thinking we could charge more than one device at a time? Spoiled Americans. Even in the few days we’ve been here, we’ve realized what entitled people we are. I’ve never looked at prices so hard as when we went grocery shopping for the first time. Since we’re on an island, most everything is imported—especially our favorite brands. A small jar of peanut butter cost us over 10 USD and a gallon of milk was 7 USD.  And when you’re living on student loans that haven’t even come through yet—you start having to budget and think about costs a little bit more. Plus, we haven’t had to pay rent for 2 years while living at our parents’ houses. When we talk about a lifestyle change, we weren’t kidding.

We live about a 15 minute walk from a small beach. There is never anyone else there, so we call it our own private beach. There’s a volleyball net, so we need to hurry and make some friends so we can get some games going. We tried another beach yesterday—Grand Anse beach, which is famous in Grenada. But we didn’t like it as much as our beach. It was still beautiful, with fabulous views of the capital, but it wasn’t remote enough for our hermit selves. We bought snorkel gear today—which obviously takes a priority over Internet or a car, right?

For some reason, I start crying every day out of nowhere. It’s not from sadness, or loneliness, because we are having so much fun and I’m really loving it here. I think maybe that I’m a little bit afraid and out of my element. I love the things we are discovering about this country and the cultures and customs, but sometimes it all gets too much and I yearn for something familiar. Back in Utah, I was so comfortable in all of my roles. We had good friends that we loved spending time with, we knew what we could afford and what we couldn’t, I was so comfortable at my job, we had our favorite restaurants, and Billy and I spent as much time together as we possibly could. But here, my roles have all shifted. We will need to make new friends, I’ll have to learn how to cook in order to save us money, we still need to figure out how everything works on the island, and once school starts, I’ll rarely get to spend time with Billy. But, I’m going to focus on the positive and let things happen on their own. 

My goal is to make life so easy for Billy that he won’t have to worry about anything other than school. Our time here is about him, and I’m so proud of the sacrifices he has already made and will continue to make so that we can live a comfortable life. I can’t even imagine how hard his studies will be, so I’m taking a vow to be the most independent, non-needy wife there ever was. He will have no reason to worry about my feelings whatsoever! I have to write this on the blog, or else I won’t remember my vow when I’m having a bad day.

Mostly, we are just enjoying this time where we don’t have cell phones, a car, or even an Internet connection. I don’t bother to wash or style my hair, because I know I’ll be getting in the ocean again. Things are simple. We sleep in, and our biggest worry is which beach or waterfall we are going to go to that day.  Real life will begin for us once Billy starts school, which isn’t for a couple more weeks. We feel so grateful for all of the opportunities we have been given and that Billy will be able to receive such a phenomenal education. We miss our friends and family, of course, but we are waiting to see who our real friends are by who comes out to visit us first. 

At the airport with all of our possessions crammed into 6 duffel bags, 2 carry-ons and 2 backpacks

Our own private beach

Billy was suckered into buying a shark tooth necklace that he doesn't even like. Doesn't he look straight out of the '90's?

We have a long way to go working on our tans 

We got caught in our first Grenadian torrential downpour on the beach. I've never been so soaked from rainwater before!

Pretty proud of our wedding ring tan-lines

Sea otters

It's Go Time

The dreams have started. The ones where we show up to Grenada and our apartment isn't ready and we forgot to bring all of our luggage with us. My heart is going off like a machine gun just thinking about it. It would seem that my biggest fear is being unprepared. And I wasn't even a Girl Scout! Or is that only Boy Scouts that are prepared? I really do love Girl Scout cookies though. 

Regardless, I am a nervous wreck over moving to a different country. Not that I’m pooping my pants out of terror (although there is a little bit of that going on), I just find myself making so many lists of what needs to be packed/stored/donated and as soon as I cross something off, 2 more items pop up in its place. This was supposed to be simple when we limited ourselves to 6 suitcases. Instead, I wake up screaming and sweating and wondering whether we should bring our golf clubs or not. I mean, I realize that these are the decisions that make the world go round, but it’s a little excessive.  And then I get too overwhelmed and just end up going to the pool. You see my dilemma? I worry and stress and worry and can’t handle the worry, so I go have fun and then I have more to worry about.

The good news is, we sold both of our cars. The bad news is, we no longer have any cars. Billy’s parents have graciously allowed us to use their truck until we move, so it really has worked out fine. Except when I try to park the truck in the Vivint parking lot.

I think that I’m probably worrying about all these tiny little details so that I get distracted from the real problem (are you surprised? I’m a psych major, dude). We are going to miss our family and friends so damn much. 2 years is a really long time. 2 years ago, I was listening to Taylor Switft’s “22” on repeat and trying to relate, although I didn't have that much in common with it because I got married at 20, and so the song was more appropriately tied to when I was 17-19.  But, I digress. 

We had a taste of how our lives will be over the 4^th. None of our family was in town and we failed to plan our camping trip in time, so it was just the two of us at home. We went hiking up Rock Canyon and then realized that it was 99°and we are golfers--not hikers, so we went home and took a rather peaceful nap. We watched fireworks with some friends up in the foothills, which was amazing because aerial fireworks are now legal in Utah. And so, we were able to watch hundreds of firework shows all throughout the valley at once. I’m not just saying this because I work at Vivint, but Todd Pedersen’s fireworks smoked Carrie Underwood’s. No pun intended. It was a wonderful 4th, but just a little odd because I associate holidays with lots of family and golf and kids running around and trying to take a nap but it’s too noisy, so you’re pissed off, but it’s all wonderful because it’s your family! I guess we will have to get used to the quiet in this new phase of life.

Life is new and grand  and messy and loco and we'll be ready for it with our without our luggage. And here are some pictures from our 4th of July--sorry they are mostly selfies, remember how we were abandoned? 

Too hot to smile normally. We hid in a cave to try and scare people...but no one came by.

He just couldn't wait.

Diggin' the fireworks, while listening to "Firework". Thanks Katy.

Oh and some shots of our 15 minutes of fame. Or 2.7 seconds on TV. Our friend Bruce Pitcher was on ABC's show Extreme Weight Loss. He lost 201 pounds and dealt with some really crappy stuff that happened to him as a child. Watch his episode if you get a chance--truly inspirational. My only regret is that they caught my insanely huge mouth at its largest. Embarrassing.

We Must Be Crazy...

April was the month of changes for Billy and me. You know when your life is in limbo for months and months and then everything sort of comes together, and all of a sudden you have a life plan? But that life plan involves making SO MANY PLANS that you almost miss the limbo phase? That’s where we’re at right now. Billy was accepted to St. George’s University School of Medicine in Grenada and so we are moving there at the beginning of August!!!!!!! An English teacher once told me that in your writing, you have only one exclamation point to use throughout your whole life and so to be sure to use it wisely. I think this announcement definitely warrants 7 exclamation points. No more and no less.

Grenada (pronounced Gre-NAY-DUH) is a tiny island in the southern Caribbean, as pictured below.

Home, sweet home.

We will be there for 2 years, and then Billy will finish his last 2 clinical years in the states--either California, Michigan, New York, or New Jersey. Before you start to get too jealous of this amazing adventure, let me spell out the disadvantages for you (I had to look really hard for some negative aspects about this move to help my friends be less jealous).

1. They drive on the left side of the road. Every night, I pray for all the citizens in England that they will be safe from my little sister’s atrocious driving. Now that I will be in the same boat, I am terrified for the people of Grenada. Not that I’m the worst driver there ever was, but I’m having a mild panic attack thinking about going through a round-about. My brain doesn’t function that way.
2. It is forbidden to wear camouflage clothing anywhere on the island. If you do, you could be imprisoned because the military views it as a form of mocking them. And you do not want to tick off the whole country’s military. Anybody want my camo collection?
3. No Target or Costco. Those that know me, will immediately wonder what I will be doing with my free time then? The answer is still to be determined.
4. Most online vendors don’t ship to Grenada. I already checked. This can be either a pro or a con. On the sucky side, I won’t be having the cutest outfits. But, without the ability to shop online, we might just break even with our med school loans. I’m only partly joking.
5. There is only 1 golf course on the island. Bye, bye to my LPGA career.
6. There is no LDS temple on the island.
7. I’m already at a high risk for skin cancer…so it’s pretty much guaranteed now. Good thing my sister-in-law works in dermatology and I can text my freakish moles to her. She loves it, I’m sure. Also, big floppy sun hats are the cutest.
8. The worst part about all of this is the fact that Billy will be studying non-stop and won’t have time to hang out with me. With all this free time, my goals are to start cooking for him, become a marathon runner, and become a professional scuba diver. And after that, I’m fresh out of ideas. We are getting a 2 bedroom apartment, so everyone better come visit us. Please? I can definitely add Grenada tour guide to that list.
9. Netflix and HuluPlus don't stream to Grenada. Again, what will I do with my time?
10. We will miss the Strong family Lake Powell trip and Cabo trip, and the Griffith family Outer Banks trip. I'm dying inside. We leave at the beginning of August, and apparently Thanksgiving is only an American holiday. Who knew? Grenada has its own Thanksgiving for one day in October.

Wanna see a sample of my To-Do list this summer so you can somewhat approach my current stress levels?

• Sell both our cars.
• Buy 10+ lightweight suitcases. (More like 20)
• Make a list of things to buy/bring. (I have a list of lists I need to make. It’s madness).
• Freeze/cancel Costco account if possible. 
• Cancel phone bills and unlock for international use.
• PACK UP WINTER CLOTHES FOR 2 YEARS. Halle-freaking-lulah! (I think I’m most excited about this item).
• Book 2 one-way flights to Grenada.
• Buy storage unit. Move furniture to said storage unit.
• Apply for 17 different loans.
• Sign lease for apartment. The apartment that is a 15 minute walk to the beach, and has a balcony with amazing views of the ocean. I can live with that.
• Have a yard sale. Anyone want to do this one for me?
• Use all gift cards that I’ve been hoarding for years. For some reason, I like to hang on to gift cards instead of using them. In case we are homeless or something? It’s not rational. This is my 2^nd favorite item on the list.
• Fix up scooter to sell. (Anybody want a used scooter?)

The list goes on.

I realize I’m being super negative, but in actuality we are beyond excited. We are in need of an adventure after this shitty year, and I’m pretty sure that moving to a different country with the man of my dreams will be enough change for this chica. So, in order to focus on the positive, here are some pictures of our new habitat.

 

Grand Anse Beach on the west coast.
http://villalove.com/info/beaches/

The campus of St. George's University
http://www.yachtviewapts.com/

St. George's--the capital of Grenada.
http://www.royalcaribbean.com/findacruise/ports/group/home.do?portCode=GND

Magazine Beach on the southwest coast. Also a 15 minute walk from our apartment.
http://villalove.com/info/beaches/

 Not to brag, but isn't it breathtaking?
http://villalove.com/info/beaches/

All I can feel is excitement about this new opportunity. I can’t wait to completely change our lifestyle and see how we become different (better different hopefully)! And it’s about time that we are out on our own—if you forget about the loans and government help. When we first got married, we lived on our own for 4 months, then moved to Minnesota for 4 months where we were also on our own. But then we moved in with my parents, and later moved in with Billy’s parents. We have been so grateful for their love and generosity while we struggled with medical bills and going to school full time. But now we are ready to grow up (right?) and get going on our lives. And if anyone has any tips or experience with Grenada, I would love to hear it! We are kind of going in blind. 

PS: For those of you who are curious about what kind of doctor Billy wants to be, he is really interested in gynecology. He's just drawn to it for some reason.

P.S.S: 100% KIDDING! He doesn't know what he wants to do yet, and luckily he will get to experience all fields of medicine during his clinical years to see what he really loves. St. George's is the #1 school in the Caribbean and they have an amazingly high rate of placing their students in good residencies in the United States. I promise it's accredited and he'll be able to be a doctor in 'murica.

Water for Days

I QUIT DRINKING DIET COKE! That delicious, brown milk of the gods. I have tried many a time to abstain and failed miserably. I just love it so much. In previous moments of ambition, I would quit drinking it for a couple days and then the headaches would come. Oh, the headaches! During my headaches, I would consider taking a syringe full of it and injecting it straight into my brain. Those were actual fantasies of mine. How sick is that? I bet meth addicts haven’t even thought like that.

I don’t know what came over me and why this time, my resolve actually stuck. Maybe it’s from the article I read that revealed Diet Coke could make you gain weight. I knew soda would do that, but not Diet Coke. It has no calories! And then it all made sense—I’m not getting my bikini body back because of my addiction! It has nothing to do with my late night ice cream runs (Billy and I had 3 last week) or my lack of exercise. It was all to be blamed on the Diet Coke. I felt so betrayed. It was supposed to be keeping me skinny and energized and pretty. The bastard! (sorry—too much Game of Thrones).

If you are looking to quit the heavenly fizz, here is advice from a recovering Diet Coke-aholic and wife of a future doctor (no doctors were actually consulted):

1. If at all possible, the best time to quit is when you have a sore throat or when you are sick. You only want to drink water because the soda burns your throat, so you can go up to 3 or 4 days without it and you’re that much farther along to recovery. And if you have headaches you get them confused with how shitty you already feel, so it just works out. Please don’t purposely try to get a sore throat though, that would be stupid.

2. If you can’t manage to get sick quickly enough, then buy some caffeine pills to help those blessed little headaches. Then start weaning off of them by taking less and less and cutting out the pills altogether.

3. Try and quit during the week, so you don’t get bored and start fantasizing about it. Unless you work at Vivint, where the free soda flows—then you’re just screwed.

4. When going out to eat, choose places that only serve Pepsi. That way, when you are tempted to get a Diet Coke and you try to order one, they’ll say “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” and you’ll throw up in your mouth imagining what Pepsi tastes like. And then you’ll be sick so you can go back to suggestion #1.

5. If you've been a long time (a week or so) without a Diet Coke, feel free to reward yourself with one. It’s better than going out and getting a Gotta Have It Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip from Cold Stone. It can be a good treat every once in a while after you've broken the addiction.