I QUIT DRINKING DIET COKE! That delicious, brown milk of the
gods. I have tried many a time to abstain and failed miserably. I just love it so
much. In previous moments of ambition, I would quit drinking it for a couple
days and then the headaches would come. Oh, the headaches! During my headaches,
I would consider taking a syringe full of it and injecting it straight into my
brain. Those were actual fantasies of mine. How sick is that? I bet meth addicts haven’t even thought like that.
I don’t know what came over me and why this time, my resolve
actually stuck. Maybe it’s from the article I read that revealed Diet Coke
could make you gain weight. I knew soda would do that, but not Diet Coke. It
has no calories! And then it all made sense—I’m not getting my bikini body back
because of my addiction! It has nothing to do with my late night ice cream runs
(Billy and I had 3 last week) or my lack of exercise. It was all to be blamed
on the Diet Coke. I felt so betrayed. It was supposed to be keeping me skinny
and energized and pretty. The bastard! (sorry—too much Game of Thrones).
If you are looking to quit the heavenly fizz, here is advice
from a recovering Diet Coke-aholic and wife of a future doctor (no doctors were
actually consulted):
1. If at all possible, the best time to quit is when
you have a sore throat or when you are sick. You only want to drink water
because the soda burns your throat, so you can go up to 3 or 4 days without it
and you’re that much farther along to recovery. And if you have headaches you
get them confused with how shitty you already feel, so it just works out.
Please don’t purposely try to get a sore throat though, that would be stupid.
2. If you can’t manage to get sick quickly enough,
then buy some caffeine pills to help those blessed little headaches. Then start
weaning off of them by taking less and less and cutting out the pills
altogether.
3. Try and quit during the week, so you don’t get
bored and start fantasizing about it. Unless you work at Vivint, where the free
soda flows—then you’re just screwed.
4. When going out to eat, choose places that only
serve Pepsi. That way, when you are tempted to get a Diet Coke and you try to
order one, they’ll say “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” and you’ll throw up in your mouth
imagining what Pepsi tastes like. And then you’ll be sick so you can go back to
suggestion #1.
5. If you've been a long time (a week or so) without
a Diet Coke, feel free to reward yourself with one. It’s better than going out
and getting a Gotta Have It Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip from Cold Stone.
It can be a good treat every
once in a while after you've broken the addiction.
