Water for Days

I QUIT DRINKING DIET COKE! That delicious, brown milk of the gods. I have tried many a time to abstain and failed miserably. I just love it so much. In previous moments of ambition, I would quit drinking it for a couple days and then the headaches would come. Oh, the headaches! During my headaches, I would consider taking a syringe full of it and injecting it straight into my brain. Those were actual fantasies of mine. How sick is that? I bet meth addicts haven’t even thought like that.

I don’t know what came over me and why this time, my resolve actually stuck. Maybe it’s from the article I read that revealed Diet Coke could make you gain weight. I knew soda would do that, but not Diet Coke. It has no calories! And then it all made sense—I’m not getting my bikini body back because of my addiction! It has nothing to do with my late night ice cream runs (Billy and I had 3 last week) or my lack of exercise. It was all to be blamed on the Diet Coke. I felt so betrayed. It was supposed to be keeping me skinny and energized and pretty. The bastard! (sorry—too much Game of Thrones).

If you are looking to quit the heavenly fizz, here is advice from a recovering Diet Coke-aholic and wife of a future doctor (no doctors were actually consulted):

1. If at all possible, the best time to quit is when you have a sore throat or when you are sick. You only want to drink water because the soda burns your throat, so you can go up to 3 or 4 days without it and you’re that much farther along to recovery. And if you have headaches you get them confused with how shitty you already feel, so it just works out. Please don’t purposely try to get a sore throat though, that would be stupid.

2. If you can’t manage to get sick quickly enough, then buy some caffeine pills to help those blessed little headaches. Then start weaning off of them by taking less and less and cutting out the pills altogether.

3. Try and quit during the week, so you don’t get bored and start fantasizing about it. Unless you work at Vivint, where the free soda flows—then you’re just screwed.

4. When going out to eat, choose places that only serve Pepsi. That way, when you are tempted to get a Diet Coke and you try to order one, they’ll say “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” and you’ll throw up in your mouth imagining what Pepsi tastes like. And then you’ll be sick so you can go back to suggestion #1.

5. If you've been a long time (a week or so) without a Diet Coke, feel free to reward yourself with one. It’s better than going out and getting a Gotta Have It Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip from Cold Stone. It can be a good treat every once in a while after you've broken the addiction.