Monday, July 31, 2017

Trying to Be Positive

I have loathed being pregnant. Absolutely hated it. There was maybe only a month (and not even a month straight--they were four separately scattered weeks) when I didn’t feel nauseous. And now it’s back in full swing. My back hurts all the time. If I’m not nauseous, I have heartburn, which also causes me to throw up. I've been diagnosed with obstetric cholestasis and EVERYTHING on my body itches. I'm probably gonna have scars from where I've made myself bleed from scratching nonstop. I really don’t know if we’ll have any more biological children, because being pregnant is my least favorite thing to do. I’m gonna need my brain to do some serious repression before we start thinking about doing some more fertility treatment.

But, I realize I spend a lot of my time complaining about it, and I don’t want to look back on this almost year of my life with that much negativity. Because it’s also the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me. (But really, why does it have to be so long?)

So, here is a list of the things I’ll (maybe) miss about pregnancy:

1. Being reassured by the spastic movements. My baby is constantly moving. Sometimes, when I’m bored at work, I’ll just watch my belly convulsing. I sometimes get annoyed by it, especially when he hurts me, but it sure beats the alternative of always wondering if he’s okay in there. In fact, I have found myself googling if a baby can move too much. I even googled if it was possible for a baby to have a seizure in utero, because it sure felt like he was. Every time we have had an ultrasound or we’ve tried to find the heartbeat, the tech or doctor makes a comment about how active he is. And I’m just like “I KNOW!” 
A few weeks ago, my doctor warned me that he would start running out of room in there, so I would feel less movement. He doesn’t know my baby like I do, though. He doesn’t like to feel cramped. Whenever my bladder starts filling up, he likes to push back against it because it gets in his way. I can usually get him to move on command by pushing into my belly button. He gets irritated and pushes back. And I’ve actually felt him stronger than ever in the past few weeks. I even went to the ER again because one of his kicks had me doubling over and I was almost positive he broke my water. Luckily, he hadn’t, but I still feel like he could at any given moment. I have so many friends that are pregnant right now and they all talk about being able to tell where their baby’s head or butt is, but honestly mine is constantly doing somersaults, so I never know if he’s kicking me or punching me or if it’s his head or butt making my stomach drastically larger on one side. Our spawn is a little psycho and I love it.

2. My new laugh. My laugh has morphed into a really deep belly laugh that sounds so weird that it makes me laugh even harder. I sound like Santa Claus. It makes my laughs so much more satisfying and jolly for some reason.

3. Maternity pants! I may wear these forever. They are so comfortable. And I got some really cute maternity clothes that I’m a little sad I won’t be able to wear in a couple months. Well, if all goes as planned, I won’t be able to wear them in a couple months. At the moment, I can’t really imagine myself not having a belly.

4. Always having a good excuse to get ice cream. The other day, we went to the beach with some friends and Billy and I grabbed some McDonald’s for lunch. Before I was pregnant, there’s no way I would have eaten a Hot ‘n Spicy chicken sandwich when I know I’m going to be in a swimsuit all day. But since I’m huge anyway, and my belly actually stretches out my love handles, I didn’t even bat an eye! This mentality is probably the reason why I’ve gained almost 50 pounds.

5. Stranger’s kind comments. I get so many “Congratulations!” and “What are you having?” from the most random people. There are also some not so fun comments, of course.
“Any day now, right?”
“Nope, still got another month!”
“Really? Oh wow!”
“Thank you? If it makes you feel any better, I eat a lot of pizza.”
One guy outside my work asked me “Are you having a baby or just getting fat?”
People are crazy, but for the most part everyone has been super friendly and sweet about it.

6. Getting to cut in line at public restrooms. This is especially useful for living in the city when your baby likes to use your bladder as a stress ball.

7. Billy and I have grown so much closer through this whole experience. We rarely ever fight anymore. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m so tired all the time, so I don’t have the energy to nag him. Or because he is finally in the fun part of medical school with normal hours and doing hands-on doctor crap that he loves (“Babe, I got to touch someone’s intestines today!”). But I’ve felt like we laugh more than ever—especially when imagining ourselves as parents. Our newest hobby is talking about the baby together and feeling him attack his mother together.

I have been lucky in that I haven’t had any crazy mood swings or anything. I was a little depressed the first month we were in Chicago, but I blame that on the winter and not having a job. I’m a little nervous at how having a baby will affect our marriage. I know it changes everything, but hopefully we can keep up this closeness we’ve developed. Even through the sleep deprivation and constant worry about our child’s well-being.  (And we’re not gonna even mention the possibility of postpartum. My pregnancy has been too awful that I’m not allowing myself to consider the fact that I might get postpartum depression!)

For the past 6.5 years, (not to mention the 1.5 years of dating) we have been very spontaneous. We decide we want to go on a trip somewhere, and we go. We get hungry for dinner, and we go to our favorite restaurant. We get tired, and we take a nap. We’re bored, and so we go play tennis. Now, our whole life has to be adapted around the baby’s schedule. I’m hoping I’ll be able to keep this carefree attitude and let ourselves live, but I also know how freaking nice it is to keep your baby on a schedule. I’ve been around my nieces and nephews enough to know what happens when you mess with THE SCHEDULE! When we watched my nieces 2 years ago, I made fun of my sister for printing out an itinerary and feeding and nap schedule for us. But that itinerary became my best friend! The kids were perfect as long as we didn’t mess with THE SCHEDULE!

8. The hair. My hair is so long and thick now and I love it. Although since I live in Chicago, I can’t justify the price of getting my hair dyed or cut at a salon. Plus, I don’t have much energy to actually do it, so I kind of look like a polygamist. I’m gonna start being one of those people who fly out to Utah to get all their cheap beauty needs, because it is ridiculous out here.

9. Being able to blame stuff on the pregnancy. My brain is shot. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I bet my IQ is about 30 points lower. My boss will ask me, “did you finish the bank reconciliation?” and I rack my brain to see if I can remember doing it, and I honestly cannot remember. So, I usually respond with, “If it’s been finished, then that was me. I’ll take all the credit.” 
I’m really hoping for the sake of my career that this symptom goes away, but it’s been nice to be able to blame it on the pregnancy. Because even when I’m not pregnant, I’m extremely prone to blonde moments.
Or if I start crying out of nowhere, I love being able to blame it on the pregnancy hormones (when really I am just kind of a crybaby).

And I really can’t think of anything else I’ll miss. I just want to meet this child and fall in love with him ASAP. (And not feel sick anymore).