Knocked Up

We’re having another baby! You’ve gotta be crazy to have a second child during intern year, and yet here we are. I am 14 weeks and due January 15^th.

When I went to my 6-week vagina check up after having Emmett, the doctor asked me if I wanted to get on some birth control. I told him it would be a miracle if we ended up getting pregnant on our own, so I didn’t need any. A few weeks later I got my first period. And about 6 weeks later, I still hadn’t had another one. I was panicking that maybe I got a miracle, but one that I didn’t want at all. And I bawled my eyes out. One child was more than enough for me at the time and I was already mourning my one-on-one time with my little baby. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to really enjoy him as much, especially since I loathe being pregnant more than anything and I still hadn’t recovered from my emotional time at the NICU. Also, I’m a very anxious parent so I couldn’t imagine having 2 so close together. I know so many parents can handle it and do a great job, but I am certain that would not be me. Luckily, the pregnancy was 100% in my head and I got a glorious period a few weeks later. I immediately went into my OB and asked for an IUD. Even if there was a very slim chance we could get pregnant, it was more for my peace of mind. Also, I have endometriosis, so birth control helps the scarring from progressing more.

Fast forward 18 months, and we were living back in Utah. I started feeling that ovary twinge and we realized that if we were going to do IVF again, we should do it while we’re in Utah and before residency since the costs are some of the cheapest in the country, plus they already know our whole history. I asked my doctor how long she recommended us trying on our own before we started IVF again and she said, with our history, she would want to see us if we didn’t get pregnant after 3-6 months. I got my IUD taken out on December 28^th. I had a weird feeling that pregnancy had healed my body and I felt like we would be able to get pregnant on our own. I didn’t know if it was intuition or just wishful thinking. I had heard of women who couldn’t get pregnant without IVF for their first and then they get pregnant with their next just by looking at their husband. We used ovulation tests to figure out when I was ovulating, and then just had a lot of sex. And I’m shocked I’m even saying this, but it worked! I got my first positive pregnancy test on February 4. This was the first time I’d ever gotten pregnant the fun way. We couldn’t even believe it. I had such a strong feeling that it would happen, but I couldn’t believe my intuition was actually right. Which does not help my know-it-all tendencies.

            But as the days went on, I didn’t actually feel pregnant. With my other pregnancies, I started getting exhausted right around 4 weeks. With this one, I had zero symptoms. I figured maybe it was because I hadn’t done IVF, so I didn’t have all those fun hormones ravaging my body. I was almost 6 weeks and a couple days away from telling our families, when I started bleeding. I went into the ER because it was a Saturday and they confirmed that I had miscarried. My HCG was already so low again that they wouldn’t have even considered me pregnant. We never confirmed whether there was a gestational sac, so I think it was probably just a chemical pregnancy. We were heartbroken, but also grateful that we hadn’t spent so much money trying for this one and that I hadn’t been sick or even really registered that I was pregnant yet. But in some ways it was harder to have all this hope that maybe getting pregnant would be easy for us from now on, and then to have it snatched away again.

            The next month, I just knew we wouldn’t get pregnant. And I didn’t. But then the next month, I had a feeling that this was the time. I’m telling you, I’ve turned into kind of a psychic with this mother’s intuition crap. I am probably the most logical person you will meet, but I kid you not, as I was laying on my back in bed after some loving, I knew I had just gotten pregnant. That makes zero sense, since it takes days for the sperm and egg to even meet and then fertilize and then another week to even implant. But I just knew. I wasn’t even surprised when I got a positive test on May 1^st.

            And just for fun, if you wanna hear a story about how stupid I am, keep reading. So, anyone that has used the cheap ovulation tests to try and a get pregnant will know this, but I don’t think it’s common knowledge. When you take an ovulation test, it gives you two parallel lines like a pregnancy test. But with an ovulation test, both lines always shows up no matter if you are ovulating or not. And then you know you’re ovulating when the two lines are both dark. Whereas, with a pregnancy test, you only see a second line (whether faint or not) if you are pregnant. So I took what I thought was a pregnancy test and was thrilled that it was positive. I took a picture to show Billy when he got home from work (because they fade after 20 minutes or so). When he gets home, I pull up the picture to show him and he says “nuh-uh!” and I’m about to argue with him and tell him “yeah-huh!” when I realize that the picture is of an ovulation test. I had taken an ovulation test instead of a pregnancy test and so there were two lines, because there always are on an ovulation test. I felt sick to my stomach and like such an idiot and I started doubting my intuition even though I still felt like I was pregnant. I then took a pregnancy test the next morning and it was negative. But it was still pretty early, so I stubbornly trusted my intuition. And a few days later, on May 4th I got a real positive. On an actual pregnancy test! I essentially willed myself to be pregnant.

            We were still cautious about miscarrying, but with this one, I felt totally pregnant. I was exhausted, started getting super sick at 6 weeks, and then we confirmed with an ultrasound at 7 weeks that there was a real baby in there. And only one (praise the Lord). I’ve been sick as a dog again. And the first few weeks I was extremely depressed. And angry. If I said anything to offend you between May 25^th and June 13^th, I’m very sorry. Please know it was all the hormones.

            We are so happy and nervous and scared and excited. Emmett says “NO!” every single time we ask him if he wants Mommy to have a baby, so perhaps he should be the most nervous of all.