Chivalry is Dead

I have always been a very independent woman (throw your hands up at me), probably even too independent. When I was 17, I was adamant that I wanted children but definitely not a husband. My view on this has changed somewhat. I remember going to a Young Women’s meeting and one of the leaders spoke about how she went on a date, and her date never came around to open her car door, so she just sat in there until he did. And she was so proud of how she had taught him a lesson. I remember my little 13-year old self thinking “Wow, what a ho-bag. He should have taken her home right then and there.” I probably either said biotch or brat-face…but I can’t remember which one, and nowadays I would say ho-bag. I’m still 13 apparently. I understand that those qualities are important to some, but having a husband that opens my car door is not a priority for me. I don’t really see it as an act of kindness; I see it as a waste of time. I am perfectly capable of opening my own car door. And I guarantee you that Ted Bundy opened car doors for his dates. Right before he raped and murdered and then raped them again. I’m just saying, pick your priorities ladies—chivalry or life.

Taken from http://www.foxnews.com/topics/ted-bundy.htm

Anyway, I never knew I was a feminist because I have always wanted to be a mother—and my naive little brain was under the impression that feminists wanted to be just like men and didn’t wear bras. I even wrote a paper during my freshman year of college about how women should embrace their differences from men. We can create life, and we get to stay home with kids all day, why would all these crazy feminists want to become just like a man? It wasn’t until taking a class called Sociology of Gender, that I realized my ideas from that paper were not all that creative or accurate, and I was actually a (gasp) feminist. Heaven forbid! 

It doesn’t matter what you want as a woman—you could want to have 14 children and never work a job a day in your life, or you could want to become the CEO of Apple. That’s not what makes you a feminist. You are a feminist if you believe that women should not be expected to want to raise a family and stay at home. A woman can do whatever she damn well pleases without answering to certain stereotypes. You are a feminist if you believe that a man should not be expected to be the sole provider of a family. A man can also do whatever he damn well pleases.

These feminist ideas do not always seem to coincide with how the LDS Church operates. The majority of mothers in the Church do stay at home, so that gives the impression that that is what is taught. And sometimes it is. There are plenty of prophets and apostles that preach that the best place for a mother to be is at home with her children. But do they preach that because it is revelation from God, or do they teach that because that is how we have all been socially influenced? I’m not saying that I don’t trust what the apostles tell us, but sometimes they do teach things that are entirely their own opinion. We are all biased, imperfect people, including the apostles and prophets. And we interpret truths differently. And if you don’t think the LDS Church is socially influenced, just remember that garments used to go down to the wrists. Joseph Smith was a Mason who used his Masonic learnings to establish the temple endowment. And Spencer W. Kimball used to teach that homosexuality could be “cured” with righteous living (as if it is some disease). All of this shows that we are learning as we go. The Church is not perfect and neither are the people in it. We all do the best we can.

All throughout the scriptures, we see families where the father is the obvious patriarch of the family and the mother’s job is to care for the children and obey the father. My dad was recently asked to teach about familial roles in a Sunday School class. He wanted to find a way to see how a family in the gospel would act without being biased by society’s influences. And he realized that he did have an example of this type of family in the scriptures—Adam and Eve! In Moses 5:1, it says:

And it came to pass that after I, the Lord God, had driven them out, that Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him (emphasis added).

It doesn’t say that Eve stayed at home cooking and cleaning and Pinteresting. It says that Eve worked in the fields with Adam. By his side.

And then in verse 12, it says: 

          And Adam and Eve blessed the name of God, and they made all things known unto           their sons and their daughters.

Adam AND Eve taught their children together. Eve didn’t handle the children while Adam labored in the fields. They shared a joint-role. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that we all need to be exactly like Adam and Eve. But what it tells me, is that the situation that we think is ideal (i.e: Mom stays at home raising babies, while Dad brings in the bacon) is mostly influenced by our social norms. So, there is no correct or incorrect situation. Whatever works out best for your family, is A-OK with God and should also be A-OK with society. Basically, it ain’t nobody’s bidness.

Side note: If you are LDS and have not gone to see the new temple movie that came out in July, you are seriously missing out. I won’t say anything more about it, other than: Eve is the bomb! And go see it. 

I realize that these views can be taken to the extreme—every little behavior does not have to mean that someone is sexist. I'm saying this mostly to myself, because it is easy to look for things to get upset about. Sometimes I get a little pissed that I am always the only one to do the laundry or make the bed. But that has more to do with our personalities than anything else. Billy is not a clean freak or a control freak, and unfortunately, I have more than my fair share in both of those endearing qualities. I'll get offended when Billy tries to take over when I am using tools or taking out the trash—but then I remember that he tries to take over for everything I do, including the dishes and on the rare occasions that we cook dinner. He doesn’t think I’m incapable or should be spared such manly tasks—he’s just a helpful guy. I mean, look at him. He's a straight-up boy scout.

I remember once while we were dating, I was complaining to my friend Natalie about how Billy always is more chivalrous to other girls than to me. For example, while on a double date he would offer the other girl his jacket before me. I used to get super annoyed about it, until Natalie told me her interpretation of those acts—that he knows I can handle it. He knows I’m tough and that I don’t need or want his pampering. But I had briefly forgotten that about myself, because I had thought about what was expected of him in the role of a boyfriend. I later started comparing our relationship to other couples we were around and wondering why he wasn’t super affectionate in public—until I remembered that I don’t like being affectionate in public. And neither does he. (I’ve made it a game to kiss him in public and watch his face go fire-engine red. It’s hilarious). Sometimes, the expectations of how we should act—especially in a relationship—can make us forget how we really want to act, and it’s the worst. The solution is to stop comparing ourselves to anyone. 

Taken from http://peanutonthetable.com/2013/12/10/the-mindset-of-simplicity/

[Spoiler Alert]

One more thing about feminism: I love how in the movie Frozen, Anna doesn’t need Sven to save her—what really saves her is true love for her sister. Girl Power! Now, all Disney needs to work on is their obvious hatred for parents. Have you ever noticed that in every Disney movie, at least one parent is either dead or really, really strict/mean? If Anna and Elsa’s parents weren’t so uptight, Elsa would have learned the best use of her powers a looooong time ago.

Aaaaand I'm done.