Saturday, March 4, 2017

And 6 Years Later...

I am pregnant and due August 26th! And the baby is Billy’s! Well, it is as long as we don’t have a perverted specimen collector who switched out Billy’s sperm for his own. That is one of my biggest fears. We used our last two frozen embryos back in December. This is going to be so annoying to anyone having fertility problems, but this was our last attempt before we changed the game plan to adoption.  We tried to plan it so that there wasn’t too much pressure on the cycle. Billy is always worried about me getting my hopes up. So, we planned it so that if the cycle didn’t work, it could end up being a good thing. I graduate from my Master’s program in May and I would love to get a few years of experience in my career without having to worry about whether I should be at home with the baby. Now that I’m pregnant and due in August (and we may be moving at the end of July), we have to really make some big decisions and sacrifices. Basically, we made it harder on ourselves, but we are so ecstatic that it finally worked and we wouldn’t want it any other way, even if we tried to trick ourselves.

For some reason, this cycle was so much more relaxed for me. This is also going to be so obnoxious to anyone that has had fertility problems. I can’t tell you how many people told me to relax and it would happen. Just so you know, it is physically impossible to relax when you want something so badly. And it’s rude to tell someone that something they are doing is preventing them from having kids. Because I guarantee they have tried EVERYTHING. But I think I was relaxed because we didn’t have too much hope for this cycle, so I wasn’t as concerned. I even missed some of my injections some days! And I am usually a psychopath about sticking to my schedule. Plus, Billy was with me this time for all of the appointments and injections, so I had a punching bag.

 Does anybody else remember when Kim Kardashian was first pregnant and she would whine to reporters about how hard pregnancy was? She acted like she was the first woman to ever get pregnant. Well, this whole post is going to sound a lot like Kim K, unfortunately. As soon as the nausea and cramps and headaches and fatigue and heartburn hit me, I had a hard time remembering why I wanted to get pregnant for so long. And I used to get so pissed at women who would complain about being pregnant, when it’s all I ever wanted.  You probably didn’t know I was upset at your whining, but I understand you now and I’m sorry if I flipped you off behind your back. I thought I was sick with my first pregnancy, but this one has been soooo much worse. I’m constantly whining to Billy that I feel nauseous or tired or I have heartburn or cramps. There has literally never been a time when I didn’t have at least one of those symptoms.
At least I don’t have to experience my awful period cramps for the next 6 months, right? WRONG! I can literally feel my uterus expanding. They call them “round ligament pains”, but it feels like someone is grabbing one side of my uterus at a time and yanking on it. With pliers made out of razorblades.

Let’s talk about boobs now. My boobs. They are their own life forms now. How does anyone with big boobs ever run? Or find shirts that fit? Or find shirts that don’t make you look like a porn star? It’s awful. Billy usually cracks my back for me, but he hasn’t been able to for the past 4 months, because the girls are always in the way! I’m sorry to say this Billy, but I will NEVER be getting a boob job. I can’t wait for these bad boys to shrink back into their training bra and get out of my way.

I’m terrified to stop taking my nausea medication. It’s called Diclegis and it seriously saved me from being curled up in bed all day. Instead, I was just curled up in bed half the day. Anyway, I needed to get the prescription refilled a couple weeks ago. But I was approaching my second trimester so I figured I’d try to not take it and see if maybe I didn’t need it anymore. That was a mistake. That was on Valentine’s Day and I ended up puking all night. I tried to take some expired pills I had from my first pregnancy to see if it would stop the puking, but I threw those up too. Delightful. Luckily, it didn’t ruin Giordano’s deep dish pizza for me. I still want it every day. So, I ended up refilling my prescription, but it isn’t working as well as it used to for me. I still get pretty sick on it, so I may need to up my dosage. What the hell, second trimester? Where are all the good times you have waiting for me?

I’ve been told I need to start sleeping on my side. Not by a doctor yet, though, (since I’m still waiting on my insurance to approve me) so I’m politely ignoring the advice. I’m a back sleeper and I have no idea how I am going to start sleeping on my side. Like, I don’t think it’s possible. Hopefully when I have more of a belly, my body will figure it out.
I’ve also recently been informed that I’m not supposed to eat deli meat, but I think that was all I ate from weeks 6-11. Whoops. I’m starting to crave sushi too and so I feel like our kid is gonna be a rebel.

I have an at-home fetal Doppler that I use probably a little too often. If I ever feel a weird twinge or I’m worried because I need something to worry about (but, I LIKE to worry!” as my nephew, Sawyer says), I just find that sweet little spastic heartbeat. Billy gets mad at me, because one night I couldn’t find the heartbeat since I was digesting SO LOUDLY. It’s actually kind of hilarious how loud my body can be. Anyway, he could tell I was worried until I found it again in the morning, so he thinks it’s bad for my mental health. But it’s really the only way I can be reassured when doctor’s appointments are so few and far between. And so much can happen and I’ve been eating a LOT of deli meat.

My nails are growing like crazy, which is a challenge for someone who is trying to stop biting her nails. I seriously have to trim them twice a week. It’s a good thing I can’t afford to get manicures. Oh, and my armpit hair gets a 5 o’clock shadow about two hours after I shave. Which should be fun once summer rolls around. My head hair better be growing this fast too, although I haven’t really noticed it since I never get ready anymore. See how I’m very skilled at taking positive things about pregnancy and making them negative? It’s a god given talent to be able to do that. Maybe I should teach a workshop.

On that ambitious note, does anybody in Chicago want to hire a pregnant lady who has a hard time waking up before 11? The other day, I was livid because squirrely Jeff Session’s stupid press conference interrupted Ellen interviewing President George W. Bush. Like, I was fuming. I was so upset about it and I realized that was the most eventful thing that had happened to me in days. So, maybe I won’t say that in my job interviews, but I think it shows how badly I need a job. In case you’re worried, I still got to see the part when she asked W. about the ordeal with the poncho, so it didn’t completely ruin my week.