Bonnie & Clyve: Love Handles

You guys.

Something miraculous happened last night. Like truly amazing. I went to find some workout socks from my drawer and I was completely out. This has never happened to me. EVER. I try to do our laundry every 3 weeks (before you judge me, it’s called recycling old outfits. Look it up.) I know, I’m a disgusting person.

This lack of socks was so thrilling to me because it means that I have kept up with my new workout regime.

You see, I go through spurts of wanting to be healthy. I’ve learned to stop telling Billy when I quit carbs/sugar/gluten/meat. He has no faith in my resolve and so I’ve learned to blame him when these fads last for a week or two. When we lived in Minnesota, I even went running every day for about a month. Then, I was like “Wait, do I have to keep doing this forever?” And I chose to stop because that kind of commitment was way too overwhelming. I’ve got some deep psychological issues, I know.

Anyway, I have been running on the treadmill for about a month now with no plans of stopping. I’ve been doing the Couch to 5k program. It’s designed for fat pieces of crap like myself who never elevates her heart rate above 40 bpm. Each week, the routine changes and gradually gets harder. The idea is that it is way too hard on your body to just start running a few miles every day when you haven’t been exercising in ages. Running rookies named Tori will do this and then quit because it wears them out too much. So, by easing your body into it over 9 weeks, you will hopefully be able to like running instead of dread it. And to be able to run a 5k without collapsing. I HIGHLY recommend it. I have an app for it that keeps me on track. You can play your music on your phone and it will interrupt you to tell you when to start walking/jogging/cooling down. The app is called C25K Free. Technology, man.

I’m really excited that I am strengthening my muscles and stamina (not that kind of stamina, pervs) and it has been making me eat healthier as a result. I’ll eat about a pound of candy (not an exaggeration) and then go running and it HURTS SO BAD. Halloween week, I literally thought I had ruptured a kidney. So, in order to make my run easier on myself, I’ll eat better. It’s a heavenly cycle. Time will only tell how long it’ll last.

While we’re on the topic of my ever-thickening arteries, what is the deal with marriage and my ever-thickening waistline? I swear, as soon as I said “I Do”, I gained 10 pounds. Does my body realize that I’m stuck with one person forever and immediately go into depressed, binge eating mode? I've heard many explanations for this phenomenon, but none of them make sense to me. I did not go on a wedding diet. We ate out the same amount before and after we were married (which is to say, every meal). I actually did way more exercise after we sealed the deal—if ya know what I mean. Seriously, it baffles me. They should do a research study on it. I would donate to that.

And now here are some pictures of me being super athletic. Circa 2009. Because no one wants to see me circa 2013.